Sex has always been a struggle for me because I was born intersex, in a body at war with itself. I knew I was female, but as an infant, I had been surgically, gender mutilated at birth to fit in a binary world and assigned male. Sex was the one arena where I couldn’t “Fake the funk” to be a woman anatomically.
I liked men, but how would they see me?I thought corrective surgery would make me feel whole and change my life, but breasts and my ever-changing body did little to make me feel whole. Unfortunately, I still felt wrong; different; almost a lie in the way the world saw me.
For 41 years, sex was either a weapon, a chore, or something I had to do to keep a man. Then I met someone who took me out of my own head for the first time. And it happened! Good sex, the best sex, climax! A man explored every inch of my body and I was able to feel it and enjoy it for the first time.
In that same year, I felt the need to prove to the world I was a woman and could have good sex, so I shot a celebrity sex tape. It was empowering and I learned my body and how to pleasure myself. I felt comfortable, proud of my body, and proud of being a woman.
All of my hang-ups were self imposed. I learned, time and time again, that men were just happy when I showed up! It was never the perfect weight, the right hair, how I trimmed my bush, or face fully beat to the God’s. People just want that connection, that feeling, and the person who brings it, or the memory of that experience with another person.
Last year, I was fortunate enough to meet a man that takes me there every time. He loves pleasing, touching, tasting, and everything in between. I never thought that possible again for me. I even got luckier when he asked me to marry him. I said yes, and we will be married this fall.
When I asked my friends around the DMV “What is good sex?” there was no shortage of answers. Straight, gay, Black, white, Latinx, bi, trans, lesbian, queer — everyone knew good sex! Here’s what they told me.
- Page, Transgender woman of color
“When you want more from the same person.”
- Dustin, Gay male, drag queen
“Good sex can be split three ways: making love, fucking, revenge/hate sex.”
- Beverly, Straight woman of color
“Oh sweetie, I’ve been known to make them call their own name, mind blowing.”
- Dee, Transgender woman of color
“Don’t love anyone who can only love self, and don’t invest in anyone that does not love self.”
- Nicole, Transgender, white woman
“When in that moment you feel safe and secure in your body and become one with your partner! It’s like magic.”
- Lauren, Transgender, white woman
“Good sex is when both, or more, are totally swept up in the moment moving as one, connected mind and body. Feeling each other’s heartbeats racing, completely enveloped within each other’s embrace.”
- Jey, Queer, woman of color
“When two become one.”
- Jemal, Straight man of color
“In my opinion, kissing and cuddling is the best sex ever because we’re being honest and we trust each other.”
- Garrett, Gay, white man
“Good sex is the type of sex you set as a standard to all other sex you have after it- nothing will ever compare.”
- Vishal, Straight, Indian man
“Sex is not between legs; it’s between ears. So when soul gets aroused and satisfied, the sex is complete.”
- Alonzo, Straight, Spanish male
“When two people make a passionate effort to please each other for a long time.”
- Andrew, Gay man of color
“Sweaty, nasty, hot bodies, touching and fucking.”
- Paul, Gay, white man
“Good sex is raw sex, but fantastic sex is safe sex these days. Still miss bare sex.”
- Lisa, Bisexual, white female
“Smelling her, touching her, being inside her, hearing her moan, begging me not to stop.”
- Drew, sexually fluid, white man
“Fucking, getting fucked, man, woman, both at the same time, two men, two women, all the above.”
- Danny, Straight, white man
“For me good sex is sex you always have in your head, good sex ruins just sex sometimes.”
- Valerie, Straight, white woman
“Good sex stays with you and becomes the benchmark, to which you hold all future endeavors up for review, if you are no longer with that person who brought you to that place.”
- Jake, Gay, white man
“When you can’t walk afterwards.”
- Matthew, Straight, white man
“A complete immersion of physical pleasure, from touching and tasting, and feeling myself inside of her from beginning to end. It’s only completely finished when your partner enjoys it as much as you. Anything else is just sex, not good sex.”
Image Credits // All images via Sexual + Being