I grew up in a rural community in the 60’s and 70’s. I had never heard the word gay or queer until seventh or eighth grade. A classmate asked me if I was queer to my face. In my mind queer meant strange, so I answered, “maybe a little”. That changed the tone and intensity of my eighth-grade year in public school. From that moment on I was labeled a “faggot”. I experienced daily emotional abuse and intimidation.
I was not willing to attend public high school after my eighth-grade experience. My parents were able to put me in a parochial high school where I was at least protected from most of the intimidation but not the ignorance. I spent my four years in high school trying to figure out my sexuality and had no one to talk to about it. I tried dating girls but fell in love with boys. I prayed for deliverance and for the feelings to go away, but they never did.
I had very little contact with other gay men or boys until I was able to drive which gave me more freedom and independence from my family. So, I was able to make connections and “date” men. I kept my gay life secret from my family and basically lived a lie. Not a very healthy way to exist. I felt a lot of guilt and self recrimination for not being honest about who and what I was doing. What could be more demeaning than trying to hide your authentic self from your family fearing they would not accept you for who you really were.
Raised in a religious family, I was groomed to seek a traditional family life, meaning marrying one person and trying to have a traditional monogamous relationship. In the 70s, there weren’t many men interested in exclusive relationships. Free love and plural sex partners were the norm for the gay community. I heard of very few married gay couples in 1979 and casual sex did not appeal to me. I wanted to find a traditional and more fulfilling relationship.
At times I would find myself depressed and dejected as I didn’t seem to fit in the gay community. I tried joining the Metropolitan Community Church in my area founded by Reverend Troy Perry. Even within the religious fold of the gay community, I still didn’t feel comfortable and welcome. This led me to seek out advice and counseling. There were rap groups formed in different communities where you could discuss your issues openly with other gay men and women. Of course, there were psychologists if you could afford to go into therapy, but not a lot of clinical certified mental health programs that could deal with the kind of questions and issues I was having at the time.
We’ve come a long way since the 70’s in helping men and women come to grips with their sexual identity and how that reflects within family and church. Suicides were so common in the early years. Self loathing and desperation were part and parcel of the gay experience. You were lucky if you could survive into your adulthood to find some form of happiness within the community. So many people tried to hide their sexual desires and repress their feelings, but that only sustains for so long. It is so hard to maintain that year after year.
The new message that changed so many people’s lives and gave me hope was a book by Reverend Troy Perry called “The Lord is My Shepherd and He Knows I’m Gay!” This book helped to reconcile my spiritual and religious beliefs with my sexual identity. In 1983 I met a man who shared my ideals for marriage and we became a couple. It was my first real gay relationship and was as wonderful as I had ever hoped it would be.
Not everyone is looking for marriage or coupling. There are those who are satisfied with plural relationships, thruples or open marriages…even celibacy. But we all need to feel valued and heard. Sometimes that is as simple as talking with friends or seeking clinical mental health advice. DC Beings is a wealth of information on a number of subjects including mental health and counseling. Check out the website:
LGBTQ | Gay and Bi Men | Get Connected | Sexual + Being
There is so much information today that we never thought possible when I was coming into my own. It’s a wonderful time to be a gay man, lesbian, transgender, non-binary or just questioning who you are as a person. Enjoy pride month… be happy, healthy and be yourself!
David Shelton
Freelance graphic artist and sign designer. 66-year-old retiree who lives in Arizona with his husband, Tom.
I have also been a cartoonist, comedian, and have created articles in publications throughout the United States. My focus in retirement is primarily health, fitness, and laughter content.
I create my content based on my own life experiences.
