While you’re straightening out closets and purging things from your life, give yourself the spring cleaning that makes you feel good inside and out, and makes your partner feel good, too. I’ve heard several women — even married ones with children — say they don’t care for sex. That has me thinking. Who reads articles like these? Is it those who need help in their sex lives, those with great sex lives looking for enhancements, or people who have given up on having a good sex life?
This article is for all categories above and then some. For the partnered, single, and it’s complicated’ers, here are five ways to refresh your sex life to keep you satisfied this season and many more to cum.
Be More Sensual
Good sex starts with feeling good about yourself. Doing more sensual things helps build confidence and can help you express yourself more as a sexual being.
According to Oxford Languages, sensuality is “the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure.” Being sensual means taking the time to experience the pleasure of the world around you mindfully. Mindfully experiencing the pleasing taste of food on your tongue or the feel of intimate touch, for example, puts you in a state of calmness.
It’s easier to get into the mood when being sensual is a normal part of your routine. Being sensual can give you a heightened appreciation for physical sensations. So, although sensuality is not synonymous with having sex, sensuality is inherent in good sex. Do sensual things with and without your partner.
Get In Touch With Yourself (No Pun Intended)
If you have ‘hang-ups’ about sex, it’s hard to enjoy it. Therefore, you must get in touch with yourself mentally, physically, and spiritually. Who are you? What are you? And what does sexual pleasure mean to you? Is it dirty or something that should be kept secret? Are you ashamed of being horny or of your fantasies?
In this section, I use words like negative and positive. But I’m not assigning a value to your sexual health and feelings. Instead, I am referring to emotions or feelings that make you feel a way you do or do not want to feel. Your sexual health is like your mental and physical health. You’re not a bad person or lack morals because you are physically ill or depressed. But I’m sure that we’d agree that having a belly ache or anxiety is negative and makes us feel bad, and we’d rather get rid of these feelings — or more importantly — what’s causing them, so we can feel better and more positive.
When there is dis-ease in any part of our lives, we need to do what is necessary to achieve a positive and balanced state. Explore the answers to the above questions. If any of them are negative, take a deeper look at the reason(s). Where did you get these messages? Examine why these messages may have been communicated to you or why you interpreted them this way. For those with positive answers to the questions, have you been holding back on what sexual pleasure means to you? How can you be more sensual? What things can you do to feel more sexual?
You deserve to experience pleasure at every level. That’s mentally, physically, spiritually, and sexually. We are all sexual beings! You may have to redefine how you think about sex and being a sexual being. If you have a history of abuse or trauma, seek mental health counseling from a professional who takes a wholistic approach. The mind, body, soul, and spirit are one. When one is unhealthy, the others are adversely affected. Talking to someone who takes a wholistic approach can help you kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.
Get In Touch With Yourself (Pun Intended)
Pleasure yourself. If you don’t know what you like or what brings you to orgasm because you’ve never had or seldom have one, find out. How can someone else please you if you don’t know what pleases you? Trusting and feeling comfortable with your own touch helps you feel comfortable with sexual pleasure in general, and experiencing pleasure with someone else.
Schedule Time and Communicate Intentionally!
Now that you have communicated with yourself, communicate with your partner. Building trusting, vulnerable intimacy with your partner allows you to let go. Remember that timing and how you express your message is everything. The time to talk about wanting or needing something your partner is not giving you is not in the middle of the act.
We’ve all heard of date nights. Likewise, checking in with one another about your intimate and sexual moments, and the relationship, in general, is also important. First, agree to discuss your likes, fantasies, and sexual boundaries without making the other feel pressured to do something they do not want to do.
Listen openly and without judgment.Reveal what you like about your current sexual encounters. Then, talk about what else you like and would like to try. Find things you both enjoy. Sex toys, sensual yoga, foreplay, tantra retreats, or visiting adult clubs and stores are some examples. Be open to trying new things. You may be able to adjust a suggestion from your partner that at first seems to cross your boundaries. The “remix” may work out better for both of you. And be mindful of how you convey your feelings. Don’t just say it the way you would best receive it, say it in a way that you know your partner will be able to receive it without feeling threatened or criticized. If your discussion time turns into gettin’ busy time — that’s even better.
Cuddle
Cuddling with a loved one releases oxytocin, the relaxation hormone. In addition to helping you feel closer to the person you’re cuddling with and building intimacy, cuddling can improve your sleep, lower your blood pressure, help you better deal with stress, and even relieve pain.
So, cuddle frequently with your partner, and be sure to have cuddle sessions without the expectation of sex. The build-up of the positive benefits of cuddling without sex will spill over and heighten your sexcapades later.
LaShonda Tucker
LaShonda Tucker is a freelance writer, poet, and spoken word artist in Atlanta. When she isn't writing, she enjoys playing her violin. She earned her master's degrees from the University of Georgia and Kennesaw State University.
