How To Have The “What Are We?” Conversation

Dating can be confusing, especially in the earlier stages of a potential relationship. You might feel pressured to keep things chill and present yourself as best as possible without ruffling any feathers. However, there typically comes a point in a relationship where people have the “What are we?” conversation. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a nerve wrecking, awkward and formal discussion, but there has to be some sort of conversation to get from point A (casual dates every week) to point B (a clearly defined relationship, however that may look).

If you hate confrontation or get nervous asking for things, the “What are we?” talk can feel intimidating, but let’s consider other ways in life that you may have had similar conversations. Think about the times when you’ve applied for a job. You likely negotiated your salary or sought out a promotion at some point in your career. Though it may have been scary to advocate for yourself, you did it anyway because you knew what you wanted and took a leap of faith by communicating those desires.

Think of it the same way as mapping out boundaries and managing expectations in romantic relationships. Besides, the more you downplay your desires, the more likely that you and your partner may have miscommunication and potential resentment.

So, here’s how to prepare for that conversation:

First — be honest with yourself about what you want.

Do you want things to change or stay the same? Are you happy with keeping things relatively casual, or are you looking for a more committed relationship? Does the person you’re dating have any red flags that you might be overlooking?

Being able to recognize what dynamic you want from the relationship will help you come to terms with whether you and your partner are aligned. Before having a conversation with them at all, you should know what you want from your partner.

Second — think about the bigger picture.

Think about what your life looks like right now compared to what you want it to look like in the future. Do you want kids someday? Do you plan on living in the same city or moving within a few years? Are you okay with being in a long distance relationship for a period of time? Are you open to the idea of having a non-monogamous relationship?

Now think about what your partner wants. Chances are, they may have already brought these topics up in conversation at some point. Regardless, it’s important to assess the current situation, and think about how your long-term goals for the future will affect how to proceed. 

Third — Communicate

After you’ve thought about what you want and considered non-emotional factors too, start communicating directly with your partner about your needs. Start the conversation during a neutral time that can allow both of you to talk to each other rationally (In other words, not right before work in the morning or right before going to bed).

Also, be mindful of using “I” statements to avoid putting them directly on the spot. Maybe you could say “I really like spending time with you, and I’m starting to have more serious feelings,” or “I decided I’m going to delete my Tinder; I’m not going to see anyone else right now.” Keep the focus of the conversation about yourself and let them respond. After opening the conversation, it may take your date some time process what you’ve just told them. You’ll likely be eager to hear their thoughts immediately but give them some breathing room so they can respond in a what that’s clear and not rushed.

Fourth — Listen to the other person.

In relationships, we tend to hear what we want to hear. However, when a person tells you something, listen to what they’re actually saying and believe them. In a perfect world, we’d all be on the exact same page with our partner, but that’s not always the case. There’s a chance that the person you want doesn’t want the same things as you, so be careful not to make excuses for them or push them into a relationship dynamic that they’re directly telling you they don’t want.

Fifth — Make a choice and stick to the plan.

If you wanted to be exclusive and the person wants that, then good for you! Have fun. (Or at least some celebratory, steamy sex.) If you wanted to see other people while also seeing the person you’re dating and the person is down for that, then that’s amazing! But, if you two aren’t on the same page, can you live with what the other person wants? Think about it and don’t settle for anything less than what you truly want.

That being said, there isn’t necessarily a “right” way to define your relationship because it’s completely up to you and your significant other. Putting an official title on a relationship can be a huge milestone for some. To others, it may not be as big of a deal. As long as you’re effectively communicating your needs, then the results will always turn out in your favor – whether that means staying with someone who you’re aligned with or eventually finding someone else you’re more in sync with.