How To Masturbate With A Vagina, Step-By-Step

The first time I ever masturbated, I got really lucky. I somehow found my clitoris without knowing that it even existed and it responded well to whatever I did to it — and I was off and running. 

I’ve been a sexuality educator for almost 20 years now and I know it’s not like that for everyone. On okayso, the app I run where we answer questions about sex, “How do I masturbate?” is one of the top questions we get. There’s this idea that everyone can just “figure it out” like I did — but I actually think that’s much more rare. So, here’s what I can tell you about how to masturbate, whether it’s your first time or thousandth. 

Step 1: Find the right time

It might seem obvious but it needs to be said — spend some time thinking about when you feel most interested in masturbating and see if you can masturbate then. Not everyone is a right-before-bed person: you might be an 11:00am-on-the-weekends person. It’s all about finding a time when both your body and your mind are relaxed, and a weeknight when your head is spinning from the day might actually be a challenge.

Step 2: Set the scene

Get yourself all set up in whatever way you need. Is it too hot or cold? Too quiet? Too dark or too light? All of those things can distract you from the sensations you’re feeling, so aim for your ideal atmosphere. Get any toys you might want, some lube, a glass of water, your favorite piece of erotica or sexy video, or anything else you’ll want to have close to hand. And turn your phone to do not disturb. That text from your sister about the annoying thing your parents did can wait —  it will definitely kill the mood. 

Step 3: Remember your anatomy of pleasure

Pleasuring a vulva and vagina is all about knowing your way around. We live in a very penetration-obsessed culture, so often when people think about masturbating, they head to the vagina first. But in fact, the clitoris is Where. It’s. At. The clit has over 8,000 nerve endings —  it’s the only organ in the human body that is exclusively for pleasure —  so we will be talking a lot about it. And the clitoris isn’t just the part we can see; it has a shaft and roots that extend back into the body all the way around the vagina (so vaginal pleasure is really clitoral pleasure —  so cool). 

Step 4: Start slow

Because the clitoral head (which is the part of the clit that you can see, the little hood-covered nub at the top of your vulva) has so many nerve endings, it can be very sensitive. When touching the clit, it’s best to start slowly and lightly, using lube if needed. You can also touch all around it or touch the clitoral hood and use that as a barrier to lessen the intensity of the sensation. As you become more aroused and more blood flows into the clitoris, it will want more pressure. (The same goes when you’re with someone else too.)

Step 5: Experiment!

This is where it gets hard to give very specific advice. Everyone’s clitoris is different, so here are some things to try to see how they work for you:

• Speed: slow, languid strokes all the way to furiously fast
• Pressure: light as a feather to as hard as you can press (without pain)
• Motion: circles, up and down, back and forth, tapping, flicking… get your finger moving!
• Wetness: quite dry to totally lubed up

Remember that your clitoris might like one combo at the beginning, another combo as it’s getting revved up, and something else entirely as orgasm is (maybe) happening. It’s not about finding the thing that always works, it’s about finding the thing that’s working right now.

Step 6: The big O

Many people masturbate with the goal of orgasming. A word about that: Often if we’re super goal-oriented, we can get in our heads about it and actually make it much harder. If orgasm is something you’ve been struggling with, try taking it off the table for a while and just see where these explorations lead you. That being said, generally to get to orgasm, you want to find something your clitoris likes and stick with it. Often people stop too soon, but it can take a while to get there.

Step 7: Consider other options

A finger on the clitoris is not the only way to masturbate, for sure. It’s often a great way to start out, because your finger is easy to control and you can feel what’s happening. But here are some other things to consider trying if you’re interested:

• Humping: Many people prefer to hump a pillow or other object, so give that a try if it sounds interesting. 
• Water: If you’ve got one around, another go-to for many folks is a detachable shower head.
• Vibrators: As I mentioned above, the clitoral head has 8,000 nerve endings. Nerve endings love repetitive motion. Vibrators… well that’s all they do, and they do it very well. For some folks, a vibrator can be an amazing addition to masturbation.
• Penetration: About 25% of people with vaginas can have penetration-only orgasms. If this is you, then try penetration with fingers, a dildo, or a longer vibrator. You can experiment with some of the same things as above —  speed, type of motion, and wetness can all make a difference.
• The rest of the body: From nipples to the G-spot to the ass, there are many other pleasurable spots on the body to incorporate in whatever way works for you.
• Erotica/porn: I mentioned it above, but it’s worth repeating here —  there are lots of amazing books, blogs, and videos out there that can help you fantasize or just stay a bit more focused on the task at hand.

If you’re enjoying it, there’s no wrong way to masturbate. So don’t worry about doing it right. Instead, find the way that’s right for you.