How to Discover Your Kinks

Getting involved in kink/BDSM isn’t quite as spontaneous as 50 Shades of Grey might have you believe. It takes time to explore the world of domination, submission and power exchange. While there are more intense aspects of kink and BDSM, you might find that you’re more interested in something as simple as being lightly scratched up and down your back in the bedroom or wearing a latex costume with high heels.

But even then, there’s always more to learn when it comes to your sexual interests (and even your dislikes). What if you want to be admired in your latex outfits? What if you’re the one who wants to admire your partner? What if you’re only down to be tied up under certain circumstances? And what if you’re unsure of what you want altogether?

If this applies to you, follow these 3 steps and resources to find out where your interests lie within the world of kink!

1.) Make a Sexual Inventory Checklist, also known as the “Yes, No, Maybe” list

A “yes, no, maybe” list organizes your interest levels for specific sexual activities. Doing this will help you further understand your own desires, increase transparency in your sex life and learn about your partner’s interests as well.

For the list, you can fold a sheet of paper into three sections and then label each column “yes”, “no” and “maybe.” Or, you can simply type it out on the notes app iPhone. The “yes” column stands for “Yes (I’m into it or willing to try it), The “no” column stands for “No (Not for me/not open to it),” and the “maybe” column stands for “Maybe (I could be interested with more conversation, information, and/or in a specific situation).”

Here are some examples of sexual acts that might appear on this type of list:

• Experimenting with BDSM practices (like spanking, restraints, or using a sexual blindfold)
• Incorporating a new body part (for example, anal play)
• Using sexual health items (like lube)
• Exploring fetishes (for example, wearing latex outfits)
• Trying different sex toys (like vibrators or butt plugs)

When sorting out your list with a partner, it could be beneficial to create your lists separately first and then comparing the lists afterwards to get a more genuine sense of overlapping interests.

2.) Take the BDSM test

Founded in 2014, the BDSM test was created as a fun and educational test to determine what kind of kinkster you are through a simple, accessible questionnaire. Here’s how it works. You can take the free BDSM test anonymously, or you can share your email and register an account with the website. Prior to taking the test, you’ll be prompted to answer general questions about your age, gender, and sexual orientation.

You’ll have the option to select shorter or longer versions of the test, depending on your interest in BDSM. You’ll also be offered a way to filter out some questions that are aimed at either submissives and masochists or dominants and sadists, if you already know that’s not your thing.

The demographic and basic information questions take about a minute to fill out. Then you’ll be ready to start the test, which takes about 15 minutes to complete.

During the quiz, each question is formatted as a statement. You rate each statement — like “Feeling physically overpowered is one of the most liberating sexual feelings” or “I would like to have sex with multiple people at the same time” — on a 100 percent scale, ranking how much you agree with it, from “absolutely disagree” to “absolutely agree,” with the middle option being “neutral/no opinion.”

After answering the questions, you’ll get your results in the form of percentages that correspond to the 26 categories being ranked. For example, on the higher end, you may get 100 percent “voyeur” (someone who gets gratification by watching sexual acts) or 80 percent “switch.”

On the neutral end of the spectrum, you could get 50 percent “sadist” (someone who enjoys inflicting certain types of pain on others in a sexual context) or 43 percent “rope bunny” (someone who likes to be tied up and restrained using rope, chains, cuffs, spreader bars, etc).

On the lower end of the spectrum, you may score five percent “brat” (someone who playfully pushes their dominant’s buttons by misbehaving in order to be “punished” by their dom) or two percent “degradee” (someone who like to be degraded and humiliated by their partner in the bedroom). If you’re unsure what certain terms mean, the BDSM test includes a page with definitions for each archetype here.

3.) Explore your interests as a voyuer or get a hands-on learning experience at kink/BDSM conferences

If making an inventory list or taking a quiz doesn’t interest you, then there’s a more visual and/or hands-on way to find out where you may fall on the kinky spectrum. All around the world, there are many public kink/BDSM expos and conferences that are hosted every year, and the best part about them is that they combine education and entertainment. Some of the conferences have an interactive dungeon space for attendees to watch or engage in some steamy play with others. These dungeons are usually facilitated by professionals in the kink community and monitored by volunteers of the event. Of course, there’s no pressure to engage in any activities you’re not comfortable with. Joining the dungeon space simply to watch others is 100% welcome.

Conferences and expos with these experiences include, but are not limited to:

• EXXXOTICA (hosted in DC and other cities) – mainly an event where fans can meet the top stars in the adult film industry but includes an entertainment stage and Dungeon Experience to see live BDSM demonstrations
• Kinky College (hosted in Chicago, IL) – provides educational classes, live BDSM demonstrations, and a 150,000 sq ft dungeon space for nightly play parties
• Sex Down South (hosted in Atlanta, GA) – provides interdisciplinary workshops, a kinky show called “Big Bang” and a dungeon party
• Positive Sexuality Conference (hosted in Burbank, CA) – mainly a research conference, but has some overlap with kink/BDSM and hosts after-parties at nearby dungeons
• FetishCon (hosted in St. Petersburg, FL) – provides workshops, live BDSM demonstrations, an erotic art show, a trade show, and a private dungeon space
• KinkFest (hosted in Portland, OR) – an annual, 3-day event celebrating sexual diversity, BDSM, fetish, and leather communities.

If you follow the steps and utilize the resources we’ve outlined for you only to realize that you sway more on the side of vanilla instead, that’s okay too. Don’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. Remember, sex should be enjoyable and on your own terms.

As for those who do fall somewhere within the kinky spectrum, what are you waiting for? Time to go to your nearest sex toy store and put your kinky self-discovery to practice!