There’s no one formula for sexually pleasing every person out there. Just as we all take different paths to attaining (hopefully mutual) satisfaction in a relationship, those of us who suck cock must find a way of making it hot for ourselves and our partner(s) as individuals, together. Even when you’re the one doing the pleasuring, you should be deriving pleasure too. At its best, sex is holistic like that.
With the knowledge that not all tips are meant for all people (pun intended), I offer you the following 12 tips for making your blowjob-giving experience a positive one. Remember: there’s no substitute for communication with your partner when it comes to getting things right!
1. Don’t get hung up on skill
There’s this idea that some people are “bad in bed” or “suck at giving head,” but while I acknowledge that learned techniques can play a role in how we please our partners, getting too fixated on technique can drain the chemistry outta the room. Treat your partner as unique and worthy of real attention, skills aside.
2. Make sure they’re feeling it
I’ll admit, I have at times tried to initiate a blowjob only to realize that my partner’s not feeling it; he’s just tired or out of it. As with any sexual act, communication and consent are key and can help you avoid awkward scenarios where you’re hunched over your partner’s cock discussing whether or not a blowjob was a good idea in the first place.
3. Make sure you’re feeling it
Your desire and consent are just as integral to the quality of a blowjob as your partner’s, so don’t do it out of duty or guilt and don’t allow yourself be coerced if you’re not fully feeling it. Won’t your partner get a lot more out of a blowjob that has you barely containing your excitement? The answer is: Yes. You both will.
4. Don’t make orgasm the only goal
Orgasms are fantastic, but they don’t have to be the goal every single time. Take it slow, don’t rush, and even if you really want to make your partner cum, remember that foreplay is fabulous. Try kissing, caressing, licking, or biting other parts of their body. You might even experiment with edging. (Although let’s be real, I’m not saying a mutually desired quickie blowjob isn’t sexy too sometimes.)
5. Don’t be shy about making requests
Maybe you think he needs a shower, or you need a glass of water, or you need to — gasp — stop and take a break. You should feel comfortable communicating that. While you might not wanna tell your guy he smells, it’s not hard to suggest taking a shower together, and it can certainly add to the sexy foreplay factor.
6. Switch positions as needed
Sometimes, giving a blowjob can be hard on the neck or the jaw, and if you don’t switch positions you may find yourself wishing it was over already. That’s not good for anyone. Personally, I like hanging my head off the side of the bed as my partner enters my mouth upside down. There’s no pressure on my neck, he can go deeper, and it makes me feel sexy-submissive.
7. Use your lips and tongue as you please
We can do so much with our mouths. You might put your lips over your teeth as you slide along the shaft, lick it from top to bottom, play with tongue pressure along the tip, flick your tongue over the frenulum, or draw slow circles all around. If you’re a visual learner, the internet offers an abundance of blow job porn vids, ethical, sex positive porn included.
8. Know that deep throating is not a must
Thanks to mainstream porn, “deep throating” is often seen as part and parcel of the blowjob-giving experience, gagging be damned. It’s not. Go as deep as you want, no more. Blow jobs can be hot even when they’re just tip-deep! Also, even if you love deep throating sometimes doesn’t mean you always have to. Deep throaters: you’ll need to get a handle on breathing through your nose. Never hesitate to ease up or stop.
9. Have a hand in it
Your hand(s) can play a supportive role in any blowjob you give, and can also be helpful if your mouth gets tired. You might hold onto the base of the penis while using your mouth further up. Or you could explore other areas, like his nipples or thighs, as you continue to use your mouth. If you use your hands on his cock, be sure to use lube (or a lot of spit) to avoid causing irritation.
10. Switch your rhythm and speed
If you’ve stuck to one rhythm for a while, you might try going faster or slower. A switch can be very exciting for your partner. There’s no perfect speed, but it’s a good idea to start off slow. You may find yourself speeding up naturally as your partner thrusts or as they get closer to the edge. If their thrusting is too rough, let them know.
11. Explore beyond the shaft
There are a variety of penis-adjacent erogenous zones worth paying attention to in tandem with a blowjob. Sometimes I like to start out sucking and cupping the balls. Then there’s the perineum (the area between the balls and the anus), which is highly sensitive. Tickle or kiss it lightly. Then, there’s the ass, which comes with the possibility of anal play, or even prostate milking. (Use lube.)
12. Spit or swallow, as you please
If your partner does orgasm (remember, not a must), whether you “spit or swallow” is up to you. It’s a good idea to discuss this beforehand. You should feel comfortable with: replacing your mouth with your hand as they cum, partial swallowing, artful spitting, full swallowing, or anything else that’s been mutually agreed upon.
I can’t underline enough how communication is key to a positive blowjob experience for all involved. Communication can and should take place before, during, and/or after any sexual act. It can take the form of texts, sexts, dirty talk, coffee talk, or show and tell — to name a few. Because everyone deserves the pleasure of giving and receiving!
Maya Khamala
Maya Khamala is a Montreal-based writer and editor with a love of
fire in all its forms. She is passionate about reproductive and sexual
justice in native communities and communities of colour. As the former
Campaigns Coordinator at Montreal's Centre for Gender Advocacy, she
has organized countless political & popular education events in
solidarity with families of missing and murdered native women,
survivors of sexual assault, trans and intersex communities, and women
of colour who experience gender and racial discrimination. She holds
an MA in English Lit. and Creative Writing from Concordia University.
