A new year is upon us, friends. And, here at Sexual + Being, there’s one thing we can’t get off our minds as we enter the next decade: How we’re doing it in 2020.
The “it,” of course, is sex, however you want to define it. But instead of rattling off items on our own personal “f*ck it” lists, we turned to the masses to hear what’s on theirs.
At the end of 2019, I challenged my friends and followers on Instagram and Twitter to consider a simple question: “What is your sex positive new year’s resolution?” In total, I received over two dozen responses — varying from fun and freaky to more personal and affirming. And, perhaps unshockingly, there were some common themes among the bunch.
Before we kiss 2019 goodbye, let’s explore how some are hoping to welcome 2020. (Hint: It’s with a bang!)
1. Better partner-to-partner communication
When Salt-N-Pepa say “let’s talk about sex,” many of y’all are rearing to hold them to it in the coming year. The responses, overall, reveal a deep appetite for actual conversation about sexual wants and needs with romantic partner(s).
It didn’t matter if that partner is a spouse, long-term lover, a sexy friend, or a stranger, each resolution that mentioned better communication showed a yearning from the respondents to take ownership of their sexual pleasure … and get better about asking for what they want.
While there isn’t one single key to mind-blowing sex, open and honest communication — about everything from consent and boundaries to favorite positions — lie at the heart of every good trist. So, let’s get to talking now.
Repeat after me: “In the coming year, I am going to own what I want from sex and ask my partners for it directly.” See, not so hard!
2. Toys, toys, toys!
In 2020, it seems we’re all trying to be babes in (sex)toyland!
Among all the responses I received, none were as enthusiastic as those who mentioned upping their sex toy game in the new year. Some want to trade in their tired gadgets for newer or better quality models, some want to make their use of toys less of a solo experience, and others just want a bit more of everything.
And it’s no wonder. Right now, it’s never been easier to purchase toys — heck, I have friends who swear buy toys they purchased on Amazon! Nothing quite like two-day shipping on that brand new vibrator. (Although, quick note: Be sure to do your research and make sure those Amazon toys are body-safe.)
Plus, this increase in accessibility leads to more open-minded conversations about sexual pleasure and where we get it. And, of course, open-mindedness helps tear down the ugly stigmas or old fears some may attach to the use of sex toys.
3. Just do it! (More.)
Not every sexy resolution has to be complicated. In fact, the most popular response I receieved from individuals was the simplest: Have more sex.
Whether that sex is in the morning, in a new position, more frequently, or with more people, it doesn’t matter. There is a common desire, amongst this small sample size and likely beyond it, to quench any outstanding sexual thirst 2019 may have left in you.
Sometimes life can get in the way of our sex life in ways that are unavoidable: hectic jobs, busy schedules, break-ups, etc. But, like any good resolution, you’ll have to find ways of working your way around life’s bumps to get those additional humps you’re craving.
Nike said it best: Just do it. And do it. And do it again!
4. Make sex positivity mean body positivity
There’s one thing you can’t have sex without and that’s your body. So, it’s not a surprise that a few of you are struggling with how you look in the bedroom. In fact, some said their negative body image is preventing them from acting on their sexual desires.
I’ll be frank here: There is no magic pill that will make you love your body overnight.Trust me, I would have found it by now if there was one. Body image in times of intimacy is something I’ve personally struggled with, always seeming to find a way (no matter how uncomfortable) to hide the parts of my body self I don’t love.
So, while I won’t hypocritically preach on the subject as if I’ve cracked the code, I will share some things that have helped me.
- Cut yourself some slack. If your partner is consenting to your encounter, chances are they’re attracted to you just as you are to them — don’t forget that!
- Stay in the moment of ecstasy. Try not get in your head before, during, and after you’ve had sex. Focusing on the fun is more, well, fun and can help take your mind off your perceived flaws.
- Remember that sex doesn’t determine your worth. Sex is meant to be enjoyable for all parties, not an indication of your value as a person. Don’t forget that.
Let’s promise ourselves to make body positivity the theme of 2020, okay? Okay!
5. Prioritize sexual health
Good sex becomes great sex when all parties take the steps to educate themselves on their sexual health — even though we live in a world that doesn’t always make that information easy to get.
Luckily, you’ve come to the right place! Sexualbeing.org (aka the site you’re on right now) offers resources on STD information and prevention, identity-based community pages, where to get condoms, testing options, and doctors in the D.C. area.
As I mentioned above, I won’t preach. We all make mistakes and you shouldn’t beat yourself up for the ones you’ve made or could make. I will, however, applaud the interest and concern in being sexually healthy — it’s the first step to a 2020 filled with awareness about your sexual health. There’s nothing sexier!
6. “Trying to take a whole fist by summer”
And, in closing, to the person who submitted the resolution above: I believe in you! Just make sure you have ample lube.
Well, there you have it! These are just a few of the things on people’s minds as they look ahead to their sex lives in 2020. Have a sex positive resolution of your own? Share it on social media using #MySexLifeIn2020 — we’ll be monitoring the hashtag and would love to hear yours.